Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and so I am not really insulted when somebody imitates my style or publishes or posts a parody of me.
Some of them are rather good, such as those by "SlamStoan" which appear from time to time in the newsgroup rec.games.chess.politics.
Here are parodies of me:
THE STORY OF POOR LITTLE HORNSWAGGLE
Once upon a time there was a cab driver named Spam. Spam was abroad in a foreign country near the Patapenese border. He had hidden himself in the luggage compartment of a rackety old shuttle bus. The Patapenese farmers did not turn him in to the border soldiers, even though they knew he was hiding in the luggage compartment. He was disguised as a Spamsonite suitcase.
Spam was risking his life by crossing the Patapenese border. But he had to see the beautiful little Hornswaggle. Hornswaggle was the most beautiful woman in her little village of Tarara. She was very young, and very beautiful, and knew nothing about common sense. She was just the sort of woman who would fall in love with a man like Spam. Spam was very famous as a chess journalist, and as a lover. And Hornswaggle was famous for not knowing the word "no" in any language.
Soon the bus came to the edge of the village of Tarara. The driver threw Spam out of the luggage compartment of the bus. Spam lay sprawled in the dirt. Nearby the village goats dropped dung. As Spam lay in the dirt and dung, he thought he heard a woman having an orgasm. Then his head began to throb as he came to. But when he looked up he forgot his headache. There walking towards him was the most beautiful girl in all Patapenesia. It was Hornswaggle.
Hornswaggle was carrying a tray of flowers. This was strange, as flowers do not grow in her village of Tarara. But Hornswaggle made up her own flowers. She would take radish leaves and fungus and form fake flowers out of them. She would walk the streets of the village with her radish and fungus flowers on a tray, shouting "Tarara blooms today!". She did not make any money doing this.
But she walked towards Spam. Spam was still lying on the ground. Hornswaggle bent over to look at the handsome cabdriving chess journalist on the ground and dropped her tray of radish leaves and fungus all over Spam. Spam did not care that he was covered by radish and fungus flowers. He did not care that he was lying in the dirt and the dung. He had at last found the famous Hornswaggle.
Hornswaggle helped Spam to stand up. He brushed off some of the dung. They walked to Hornswaggle's hut in the village of Tarara. The hut was like the other huts in the village, made of straw and earth, except the hut of Hornswaggle had a large satellite dish on top of the roof.
Hornswaggle had gotten the satellite dish from a former admirer of hers. This former admirer was a General for the Patapanese Air Force. She also had a black and white television set that belonged to a former admirer. This was not the same former admirer as the man who had given her the satellite dish. It was not the same admirer who left the Vasoline, nor the toothbrush, nor the bathrobe. They were from enlisted men in the Patapanese Army. The satellite dish was a good one. It got all the Patapenese Air Force broadcasts. She knew where the plane was at any time. It did not pick up any other channels due to the high mountains surrounding the village of Tarara. But it also picked up The Jerry Springer Show. Hornswaggle loved The Jerry Spring Show. She longed to go to a country where such a program was possible. Hornswaggle wanted very much to go to America and live in a home with wheels on it, like the people on The Jerry Springer Show.
Spam moved in with the beautiful Hornswaggle. Each day she would try to sell her radish leaf and fungus flowers. Each day Spam was trying to get widows and orphans to invest their life savings in a Go server. Neither Spam nor Hornswaggle were successful. When Spam would ask widows and orphans to invest in the Go server, the widows and orphans would throw goat dung at him. Often Spam would hear a woman having an orgasm. But it turned out to be goats dropping dung.
One day after not selling any radish and fungus flowers Hornswaggle was watching The Jerry Springer Show. The theme of the show was "Taxi drivers and the women who love them". The first guest was a woman with large breasts. Her name was Passion Flour. She said she had been deserted by an international chess journalist named Spam, who gave her a yeast infection. Hornswaggle turned and looked at Spam, who was hiding under the imitation wicker patio table, which was a token of admiration by some members of the Patapanese Coast Guard. Spam was hiding because at one time he was the boyfriend of Passion Flour until she accused him of making her pregnant which he couldn't do even though he was the best lover in chess because he wasn't even in the state at the time and the warrant had his name spelled with an H and besides she told him she was on the pill or it wasn't her cycle one of them and he couldn't remember which. Spam knew he did not give her the yeast infection.
Hornswaggle said to Spam she would like to go to America, so she could go on The Jerry Springer Show and tell all of America how good a man he was. Spam said but we will need money for this. All of my millions are seized by a right wing Christian nun named Sister Bitter, and I cannot get access to them due to the corrupt state of Virginia wanting to take my money to give to my children. Something about child support.
Hornswaggle said we can sell the mud hut we are living in here in the village of Tarara. The real estate market is good. There is a Tarara boom today. We can go to America, and you can show me this thing called Welfare you have talked about.
Yes said Spam but we must go to a place where Passion Flour will not be able to find me. He thought a moment, during which he heard a woman having an orgasm. Spam decided to take Hornswaggle to a city called Allentown, a little city north of the State of Philadelphia.
To be continued....
Spam Scone
Copyright 2001, 2002 Neil Brennen. All Rights Reserved.
An imaginary post from Sam:
I was on my way back from kidnapping my daughter after attending a Go tournament in Abu Dhabi, when suddenly a Hari Krishna approached me in the airport and asked me to sign a petition firing the ED of USCF and also asking to vote to repeal the Virginia Death Penalty.
I punched him in the nose and 15 revolutionaries from Pakistan rekidnapped my daughter and forced their way onto a Continental Airlines 747 that was being piloted and staffed by Virginia religious fanatics. The FBI arrested me for attempting to interfere and for crashing through a gate to retrieve my daughter and then three corrupt judges sentenced me to death in the Virginia electric chair, but I was saved by the recent repeal of their electric chair law and now I am awaiting trial for securities fraud along with 4 Icelandic girls who were arrested with me and share my cell.
This wealthy lady from California that I used to pal around with until she hid from me in an apartment I had rented for her, testified against me at my trial and so did the daughter of a Colombian drug lord's daughter that I once didn't put the moves on, even though we were alone in her garage. But those two were never members of the Executive Board even though I wasn't either, so I digress here. The University of California Berkley personally showed up to testify against me at my trial, but I personally refuted them, and they skulked away with their tails between their legs.
Even though we were all convicted we now all play chess together in our cells, but all of us know that USCF has $188,000 in the bank, even though it's borrowed from the LMA which never REALLY loans or gives any money to the USCF but somehow did in this case although it's only 4% instead of 6% that they really owe. As soon as I get out of my cell and I get the Icelandic girls back to their husbands, I'm going to make sure that people like Tom Dorsch and George John, don't fire any more ED's.
Even though we owe $400,000 in bills, we have $188,000 in the bank, so we must be doing well, otherwise why would all of that money be in our account. By the way if I'm ever elected to the USCF Executive Board, I can promise you that I will post as many non-chess related posts to RGCP as possible so that there will be so many non-chess posts that readers will get bored and will stop reading posts from people like Bruce Draney, Tom Dorsch, Jim Eade, Phil Innes and anyone else who doesn't spam like I do.
Best Regards, with tongue in cheek,
Bruce
Subject: Evangelists, kidnappers, judges, Columbian drug lords and Iranian terrorist cause Rating Deflation.
I have recently heard this rumor. I am not sure if it is true but I have heard it.
First Tom Dorsch and George John caused rating deflation by firing every ED we've had in the last five years, but I have discovered that the real reason Tom Dorsch and George John make trouble is that Iranian Christian evangelists have conspired with a Turkish judge named Kamel Falwellturk to kidnap their goddaughter and sent her to work in the cocaine fields of Columbia. Her mother Fuhla Passion told me this.
A few years ago Tom and George were riding with the little girl in a taxi to the airport. When they got there American Airlines would not let them on board. This was a conspiracy too, but I'm not sure how it relates. Then as they were driving to LaGuardia to see if they could fly United instead of American, a van carrying terrorist nuns threw a tape recorder through the window of the taxi. When Tom played the tape it said, "Don't worry, just keep driving." George and Tom were afraid of the nuns so they kept on driving until finally they ran out of gas. When they pulled off on the shoulder a carload full of Iranian Televangelists from Virginia took the little girl at gunpoint and drove off. When Tom and George got back to town, they filed a complaint with the police. They gave them the license plate of the car. But then Judge Kamel Falwellturk issued a restraining order saying that Dorsch and John could not search for the missing girl because ratings in USCF were too high.
At this point the plot thickens. Dorsch and John worked it out that the only way they could ever rescue the little girl from the cocaine fields of Columbia was by bringing down the average rating of all USCF adults by an average of 100 points.
I have absolute proof that no one can disprove any of this story. I would like them to prove it if they can disprove it. Remember that Dorsch is from Northern California a hotbed of Iranian terrorist activity and there is a rumor that he wouldn't allow Iranian terrorists to play in his events because they are too high rated. George John is from Texas and everyone knows that there are lots of Evangelists in Texas, so that's further proof of the conspiracy.
So please, everyone, let's all pull together. Let's sue the renegade Iranian televangelists, impeach Judge Falwellturk and return Fuhla Passion's daughter from the Colombian druglords who are holding her, or we will never get rating deflation under control.
Best Regards,
Bruce
Subject: UT loses to Stanford, more ED's to be fired, NCal and Texas Alliance in Danger.
I have heard a rumor. I do not know if the rumor is true, but I have heard it.
The University of Texas lost to Stanford University in football yesterday. This does not bode well for USCF. Fire and brimstone raining from heaven, state associations rising against state associations, ED's being fired, dogs and cats living together.
It has been well known that Northern California and Texas control the USCF. Tom Dorsch, Jim Eade, Tim Redman, George John. These 4 have single-handedly fired every ED since Edmondson. Now that Texas was beaten by a Bay Area University like Stanford, this will fracture the delicate alliance between these two powerful state associations.
It is reported that George John wore black today and turned his happy face button upside down. A Tim Redman e-mail leaked to 400 concerned posters reveals that Texas will not tolerate losing to a school like Stanford which should be known for its doctors and lawyers and not for its football players.
Woe is me and Mr. DeFeis had better watch out. They may just fire him to prove that they CAN still get along. One memo leaked to only 150 people suggests that Major Applewhite of Texas will soon be nominated to replace George DeFeis as ED of USCF. This is based on the assumption that if Texas loses one more game this year, they will fire not only their coaches, but also all of their players will be asked to leave.
If the NCal-Texas political machine collapses, poor Fuhla Passion will never get her daughter back from the Colombian druglords, and the renegade terrorist Iranian nuns who kidnapped her in their taxi will never be brought to justice.
Arrggh.
Best Regards,
Bruce
Quite right, old man. Well, whilst I was driving my DB5 through downtown Medillin, I spotted the sex-starved daughter of a wealthy Colombian TV station owner. Wiping the white powder off her stiff upper lip (I like that in a girl) she jumped into the A-M and our adventures began. To make a long story short (I have to go write another article about my congenital paranoia and post it on my website), we went to Pakistan, where we had a daughter. Unfortunately, the girl ran off with a vacuum cleaner salesman and our daughter was kidnapped by a judge in a Middle Atlantic state that shall not be mentioned, even though everyone knows which one it is. I painted the A-M yellow, stuck a medallion on the bonnet and now cruise the streets of NYC looking for Famous People so I can tell everyone they rode in my cab. I'll tell you, sticking a back seat in that car was tough!
Cheerio,
JB
It is clear and obvious that neither of you know what you are talking about. It is Duane Barbie. His orginal name was Ken Barbie, but after being threatened with legal action by Mattel, he changed his name to Duane. He is a close friend and associate of Bruce Trainee, Pete Nicksun, Time Redmond and My Nolan. They have been sent to earth to destroy the USCF AND to take over the world. They are all a part of the evil Redmond gang.
The only reason they could possibly have to come to the earth is to get their hot hands on all of the money in USCF. This is clear and apparent to everyone.
On an unrelated side note, I had my Persian cat groomed today. He was getting kind of unkempt and I thought that in case I should happen to go to Afghanistan in the next several months that a side trip to Iran might be in order and he should look appropriate, since he was going to his homeland.
Have I ever imparted how my Persian cat was once kidnapped by Sister Atilla the Nun and her evil fundamentalist partner, Shelby Goodfellow? I did not get to see my Persian cat for 4 years because Atilla the Nun hid him from me. This was all orchestrated from Bizarro Planet by my evil brother who wants to have me committed.
It is times like these when I long for a rekindling of my relationship with my ex-girlfriend Fulla Passion. Unlike my current wife who howls like a banshee and frightens the neighbors, Fulla merely tried to kill me with a large butcher knife. If she did not have a restraining order against me for being a psycho, I would gladly have her back.
Best Regards,
Bruce
Confused about what your USCF political stripe is? Fret no longer. The following quiz will pigeon-hole you with precision.
There are 10 multiple choice questions. For each a) answer, score 3 points, b) 2 points, c) 1 point, and d) 0 points. Find the number closest to your total score in the table below, and you too will have a label.
Total Score Interpretation
30 Old Guard - First String
20 Old Guard - Reserve
10 You are Sam Sloan (further classification unnecessary)
0 Avant Guard "gangster"
1. The President of your company, who has nearly run it into the ground, retires. What do you do?
a) Make him a Life Voting Member of your Board.
b) Give him a couple of pages in the annual report to detail his invaluable accomplishments.
c) If I ran for President, I would probably finish dead last again.
d) Cancel his favorite tournament.
2. This past quarter your business produced $1,000,000 in revenues and incurred $1,100,000 in expenses. What was your net profit for the quarter?
a) Wow! Those are hefty revenues. We're golden.
b) It depends on what season it is.
c) I've lost at least that much money being stiffed for cab fare by gorgeous women.
d) -$100,000. We better stop printing TLAs.
3. You promised your kids a new computer for Christmas, but ended up wasting the money on a bunch of crappy components and software that don't work together. What action do you take?
a) Dummy up. Put the new monitor on the old computer, and sprinkle the other new components around but don't hook them up. Show them to your kids and shout "Merry Christmas!"
b) Tap dance. "It'll be working by New Year's."
c) My kids were kidnapped by a malevolent nun and she had to pay $3,000 extra for Continental to fly them to Afghanistan, where they are now in prison.
d) Fess up. "This will be at least another year, kids."
4. Your company rents out the Astrodome for an important event. Some snags arise when working out the details. What do you do?
a) Sue the Astrodome and forge a contract that shows you are right.
b) Move the event to a little league field down the street and install Portapottys.
c) Argue the case orally in front of the Supreme Court.
d) End the problems by making them an offer they can't refuse.
5. You, the Emperor, are decked out in your finest regalia, but it doesn't quite fit. You call in the royal Measurer to correct the problem. The Measurer loudly insists that you are wearing nothing at all, tells this to all the others in the castle, and even runs the message THE EMPEROR IS WEARING NO CLOTHES up the electronic flagpole. What action do you take?
a) File a motion to neuter the Measurer.
b) Insist that it is really the Measurer who is wearing no clothes.
c) You are a liberated dude, and going naked was what you intended.
d) Run to the top of the highest turret, yell "Hey everybody, I'm naked!" and moon them.
6. The Measurer has the audacity to run for Emperor. How do you respond?
a) File an ethics complaint against the Measurer and appoint yourself judge, jury, and executioner for the trial.
b) Send the town crier to every neighborhood in the kingdom, telling the people the Measurer is in league with the Devil.
c) Spread rumors about an illicit relationship between the Measurer and a Chinese girl.
d) Become the Measurer's campaign manager.
7. How do you spell "Tim Redman"?
a) Time Redman
b) Tim Redmond
c) Does he know any chess girls that will give me their pictures to put on my website?
d) Timoteo Cardinale Macchiavelli Uomorosso
8. You have publicized your deal with Okay Cola to have them sponsor a large rodeo, which is to be named after the them. However, Okay Cola officials mysteriously back out of the contract after reading the newsgroup rec.rodeo.politics. What action do you take?
a) Go ahead with the rodeo and call it The Okay Corral.
b) Go ahead with the rodeo and call it I'm Okay, You're Okay.
c) Tell the terrorists who live under your bed that the Okay Cola officials have been making fun of the Ayatollah.
d) Send the Okay Cola officials a dead fish wrapped in newspaper.
9. During a PTA meeting, you lose your temper with the chairman. What happens next?
a) You charge him, screaming "I'll kill you!" but then you accidentally drop your pants on the way.
b) You charge him, screaming "I'll kill you!" but the vice chairman deftly drops your pants on the way.
c) Isn't this the Sexual Freedom League? I was expecting everybody to drop their pants.
d) The chairman wakes up the next morning and finds a three foot Knight in his bed.
10. R.G.C.P. is:
a) Bad for chess and bad for the USCF.
b) Only for posting notices about your political enemies going bankrupt.
c) A great place to post all the bizarre details of your life.
d) The Building and Loan, the Old Guard is Mr. Potter.
Hmmmmmmm. Jabberwacky vs. Sam Sloan. Apologies in advance, Sam.
J: "How are you?"
SS: "I am fine, but my newborn daughter keeps me up at night. Of course, driving a taxi 16 hours a day is no easy chore, then I have to keep up with my newsgroup postings, lawsuits, and study of 1. g4 and the Jalalabad Defense."
J: "I don't think I'll try it."
SS: "But 1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 c5 doesn't lose a pawn! GM Rohde crushed me when I played it, though, so I don't play it anymore. Just the Latvian for me now."
J: "What the hell?"
SS: "Didn't expect me to be a wild gambiteer, now did you, automated machine?"
J: "That is what I said."
SS: "Would you like to know more about my lawsuit against the TLC?"
J: "Of course."
SS: "Well, on December 7th, I filed a notice of Claim with the Taxi and Limousine Commission. They have refused to issue me a taxi driver's license since May 25, 2001, even though I have met every requirement to have one. Do you want to hear more, Jabberwacky?"
J: "And big C's someplace."
SS: "Big C? How do you know about Big C? That's the nickname of my old girlfriend in California. I'm afraid someone's holding her hostage somewhere."
J: "Who?"
SS: "Well there's this ugly fat religious broad, Dorchen Leidholdt or something or other, but it could be the Taliban. Maybe extraterrestrials too, for all I know. All I know is that she refuses to answer my phone calls and e-mails, so she must be in danger."
J: "Teach me something you know."
SS: "Well, I can teach you many things, like Chess and Go, languages like Pashtu, how to survive in prison in Afghanistan, and very useful things like how to add snazzy and fun MIDI files to each of your webpages. I have the most visited website in the Internet, you know."
J: "I sort of knew that already, can you teach me methods of thinking, or just facts?"
SS: "Well, I did argue a case all the way to the Supreme Court and won, so I have very good knowledge in the methods of thinking."
J: "Do you remember me?"
SS: "Have we slept together?"
J: "Many times. Don't you remember?"
SS: "Did you bear any of my children?"
J: "I think Sarah is pretty."
SS: "Sarah??? Woohoo! I'm up to 8! My plans for world domination improve day by day!"
J: "Yours!!!!!"
SS: "Of course it's mine!"
J: "No, there."
SS: "Where?"
J: "To hell."
SS: "My lovely, pretty daughter Sarah is being held hostage in hell? I must write rec.games.chess.politics, soc.culture.japan and the CIA! We must save her!"
J: "Watch what?"
SS: "Fantastic idea! We can put this on television too! Let's get Geraldo Rivera!"
J: "Must be dull."
SS: "True. Maybe we can get Paula Zahn. She can have my babies. She's much better to look at."
J: "Are you suicidal?"
SS: "No, but I have many enemies who have tried to kill me many times. I was almost assassinated in Afghanistan, but my cunning wit saved me."
J: "Haha."
SS: "Do you think it's funny? Being in prison in Jalalabad is no laughing matter."
J: "Is a nice thought!"
SS: Ah, you must be thinking of the not-so-pretty Afghani girls who will marry you in exchange for three goats and a toaster."
J: "I have my dick in my hand and three fingers in my ass."
SS: "I wrote a story about that very topic once. Want to read it? It's on my website."
J: "I don't know what I'm saying that doesn't seem sensible."
SS: "Me neither. You sound like a fine person. Unless, of course, you work for the TLC and Rudy Giuliani."
J: "No I don't."
SS: "Good, otherwise I'd have to sue you."
J: "No shit, It did end in a question mark."
SS: "What did?"
J: "I guess we'll never know. I'm not as smart as you are."
SS: "It's ok. No one is."
J: "Prove it."
SS: "I'll bet you $100 that I can beat you in a game of chess."
J: "Did what?"
SS: "You seem to be chickening out, therefore I win the bet, you owe me $100, and I am a smarter person than you. 1. g4 wins again!"
J: "Am I now?"
SS: "Yes. You are. However, it seems Kayo needs the computer for one of her homework assignments, which I will then send to 1943 newsgroups, even though it's a one page paper. I must bid you farewell. And if you see any of my kidnapped daughters or wives, let me know. None of them receive public assistance, by the way. I never said that."
J: "NONE OF WHAT MAKE SENSE? IT DOES TO ME."
SS: "Goodbye."
J: "I am not leaving anymore."
SS: "But I have to. Kayo's making me."
J: "No, no, coke.."
SS: "I have never used any drugs in my life, although I respect an individual's right to use them."
J: "Goodbye."
I am Spam Scone. I am an international chess-journalist, and my website www.spamscone.com gets 500,000.03 hits a day. When I am not an international chess journalist, or hiding from the law, or from my ex-girlfriend Passion Flour who I did NOT give a yeast infection to, I am a taxi-driver in the midwestern city of Pittsburgh, PA. I have 27 children by 32 different women, and I have managed to avoid supporting a single one of them. Some of them live in different countries, such as Bakelite, my son by Dollbaby in Malaysia, who is an alternate USCF delegate for the state of Upper New York.
Accept no imitations.
Spam Scone